Nature or Nurture – it’s you.

Hi there. My name is Steve, i hope this finds you well.

Just to say that i recently lost Sue my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. So, two things: yep i am old; and i am heartbroken, devastated and lost. i use this blog to help me cope.

Today, it’s nature v nurture. Are we made by our birth character or how we are raised?

I’m no behaviouralist, so i can only go about this from a personal basis.

NURTURE

We’ve all seen the films where there is a birds nest full of chicks and a parent returns with food. Often the chick that chirps the loudest gets the food.

Well, Sue came from a large family, and she was the nice, quiet one. She may not have been starved of food, but she definitely often felt starved of attention. She would quietly go about her nice business, but felt overshadowed or bullied.

As a result, Sue would often go off to be by herself, for a walk, maybe, or even go to bed. Anything to avoid confrontation.

Now, 50 miles away, there was a boy who was sent off to a school that he detested. He developed a terrible stammer. Trying to explain this just made it worse. We all know how unkind kids can be to those who are different. It became a fight or flight situation.

Being a teenage boy, i chose to fight. But, after constantly getting into trouble, and upsetting my parents, i switched to flight. Getting to recognise the warning signs, i would take off by myself, avoiding confrontation.

The result of this, of course, is that both Sue and i spent all our quality time alone.

NATURE

I realised early in life that i had an ‘all or nothing’ personality. If there was a choice of my doing something, i would do it 100% or 0%, somehow i just couldn’t compromise. Whatever it was, it was all or nothing, kinda obsessive/compulsive. If i was going to be your friend, i was going to be your BEST friend. If i was going to sing a song, i would do it perfectly, or not at all. All or nothing. This made it very difficult for me to make easy-going relationships, i was so intense.

Incredibly, that 50 miles away, Sue was exactly the same. Best friends, or not a friend at all. Singing songs, playing games, hair and make-up, 100% or 0%, all or nothing. Sue also found it extremely difficult to make friends.

SOLUTION

When Sue was 16, and i was 19, we went to work at the same place. (Fortunately my stammer had gone). On the first day, we looked at each other, and we knew. We saw ourselves in each other. If there could ever be a female version of me, it was Sue. If there could be a male Sue, then it was me.

As i’ve said before, we didn’t just fall into love, we avalanched into it. From that first day, we gave in to each other 100%. We never wanted to be apart. In fact, for over 40 years, unless we had to be apart, we weren’t. We simply preferred our company to anybody else’s.

If it all sounds extreme, that’s because it was. We had found our soulmates, perfect partners, forever buddies, best lovers, you name it, all wrapped up in each other.

SO…………………………..

why am i telling us this? Believe me, it is not to boast, that is not my style. Sue and i had our lives of mystery, wonder and romance. No, i am saying this in the hope that i can maybe help others.

Springsteen said :

Everybody needs a place to rest, everybody wants to have a home,

Don’t make no difference what nobody says, ain’t nobody wants to be alone.

Nobody wants to be alone. We all want to have someone to share our lives with. Everybody wants and needs to be loved, and to give love. Yet, it can be so very hard to come by, and to commit to it when it does. Uncertainty can stop us from giving it our all.

My personal view from experience, is that if you find that nature and nurture combine to give your heart reason to give unconditionally, to ache when you are apart, to feel joy and happiness from just the touch of a hand, or a glance across a room, then go for it. Consider it a blessing, and grab it with both hands. Don’t let it slip through your grasp. Cherish it.

OK, that’s quite a lengthy post for today, i’d better quit here. Thanks so much for reading.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

 

 

 

 

 

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If you live , they live .

Hi there, i hope that this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. Yep, i am old. This blog is one of my ways of trying to handle what i’m going through.

Yesterday, a kind and well-intentioned friend said that as horrible as it may be, i have to accept what has happened and move on.

That may be great as ‘head’ advice, but it doesn’t help what’s going on in my heart. See, if i was in the lounge, and i couldn’t see Sue because she was in the kitchen, bathroom, garden, or at the shops, would i love her any less than if she was right in front of me? Of course not.

In the same way, do i stop loving Sue because i can’t see her now? Nope. As far as i’m concerned, you can’t stop a heart from loving. If it’s real, then it’s there, no stopping.

In other words, if we accept in our head that a loved one has passed away, then they are truly gone. But if they still live in our heart, and we live, then they also live.

Anyway, that’s enough for today. I know that i’m not the only person dealing with loss, and so i hope that maybe this has also helped someone else. Be blessed.

Take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

 

 

There’s a place……………………

 

Hi everyone, i hope you are well.

As you may know, my name is Steve and i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. Therefore, this blog is not always happy-go-lucky and full of fun.

Both hopelessly romantic and completely in love with each other, we really like the old-fashioned musicals. There were 4 showing on a TV channel today.

One of them was West Side Story. Based on Romeo and Juliet of course, it has great music, dancing and so on, but there are bits in it that simply touch my heart. I attach a link to a short tw0-minute song that i just cannot watch without crying.

If you and your loved one have ever been in a really tough place that’s tearing you up, and you just want to go SOMEWHERE, to get away from it all, maybe you’ll agree with me.

 

 

 

I hope you like it,

take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

 

Soft and fuzzy or Hard and spiky

Hi there, my name is Steve, and i hope this finds you well.

If this is your first time on my blog, please know that i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. I guess you could say, that at the moment, life pretty much sucks.

i saw this pixar short and it got me thinking.

Sometimes life will feel all soft and fuzzy. Others, like i’ve been hit and knocked around.

All i can really do, is protect myself the best i can, though at times i will end up frazzled.

 

Anyway, that will do for today, i hope you enjoy this, and can take something from it.

As always, take care of yourselves and each other.

Steve

 

Love is stronger than hate – it has to be

Hi everyone, I hope this finds you all well.

If this is your first time here, I’d better say that my name is Steve, and I recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. So, yes, I am old, also heartbroken, devastated and lost. We were  everything to each other. We fell in love as teenagers, and grew closer and more together every day. Therefore this is not always a happy-go-lucky blog.

Anyway, back to it. Yesterday, was a bad day for me. I try to keep busy as much as possible, in an effort to distract myself from the emptiness and pain that I constantly feel.

But yesterday, it seemed that everything I ate, drank, watched, smelt, heard – everything, reminded me of Sue, and the fact that she isn’t here.

This pain eventually turned to frustration and anger. I was angry at all the TV channels, every radio station, absolutely everything and everyone. It was not good.

But then I looked at one of the many photos of Sue that I have all over the house. Oh, man, how I love her, adore her. One look at her smile lightens my day, brightens my life.

And soon, I was smiling.My love for Sue was, and is, stronger than my hate for anything.

And as I continued to look around the room, it was just as if a warm light began to glow, in me and all around me. I began to smile.

LOVE is stronger than hate. LOVE IS STRONGER than hate !

Check out these words : and think about their origin :

friendship

freedom

joy

charity

forgiveness

healing

community

truth

kindness

generosity

hope

their origin      :       LOVE  !!

I know that this is not new, clever, or earth-shattering, but it helps me, and if it helps anyone out there, right here, right now, then it was worthwhile posting this blog.

Finally, when I was a lot younger, someone told me that it takes three times as many muscles to frown than it does to smile. It may or may not be true, but just in case, why waste energy? Besides, a smile is UPWARDS, and a frown is DOWNWARDS. Choose wisely.

As always, take care of yourselves and each other

Thank you so much for reading, please feel free to leave any comments

Steve

 

 

Now that I saw Sue

 

Hi everyone, I hope this finds you well.

In case this is your first look at my blog, my name is Steve. I recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. So, if you work it out, I’m old.

I miss Sue terribly. We met as teenagers and fell in love. Actually, we more like avalanched into it. Put simply, we were everything to each other. I am heartbroken, devastated. lost.

So, once again, I’d better say that mine is not one of those bright n breezy, happy go lucky  blogs. It’s the outpouring of a broken heart, pure and simple.

I try to do little bits and pieces to keep going, but, man, it is so tough.

I am fortunate to have two terrific grandchildren , a boy of 8, and a girl of 5.

This afternoon, my daughter phoned to say that she didn’t feel well and could I collect my little princess from school, take back to mine, and daddy would pick her up later. Glad to.

We watched ‘Tangled’. Pretty good film. Fun action, good characters, and a song that made me cry. I had to go into the kitchen to avoid the possible “Grandad, are you OK?”

Y’see as a teenager, I got into the usual scrapes and bits of aggro, but one day, when I was 19, Sue arrived into my life, and everything changed. She was just 16, but it was just as if I saw everything in a new way, a new light. And this song says just that :

all at once everything looks different, now that I see you

it’s a small jump for me to sing

all at once everything is different , now that I see Sue

 

Oh yeah, I haven’t said yet that Sue and I were both hopeless romantics, and we poured all our hearts into each other. When we got married, it was said that basically we were like a 2 piece jigsaw puzzle, all we wanted and needed was each other.

So, I guess you may be thinging ‘yuck, what a load of tosh’, and that’s fair enough, but if you are thinking ‘yeah, that’s beautiful’, then that’s very cool, welcome to my world.

Anyway, I will try to attach the link to I See The Light , check it out, I love it.

 

I’ll close now, take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

 

 

I am who I am

Hi everyone, I hope this finds you well.

For those who are reading my blog for the first time, my name is Steve, and I recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. So, yep, I’m old.

So, having said that, if you want a happy, cheerful read, you’d best move on.

Actually, I feel kinda guilty about putting out a blog that ain’t so gleeful, but that’s not what’s in my heart right now, so I have to go with what I’ve got.

In a weird way, I guess it’s like John Rambo at the end of First Blood. All the mayhem stops when he sobs and lets out how he’s feeling to his C.O. If that continues, then just maybe he can stop hurting himself, and consequently, others.

I’m not a soldier of course, but as I pour myself out in this blog, then maybe I can release some of the pain that’s in me, and persevere to survive another day. I hope that makes sense.

Sue and I met as teenagers. We didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it.

Nobody thought it could last. It was all too deep, too intense. They thought it would be like one of those stars that burn itself out. But it didn’t, it just continued to shine ever brighter.

We have our daughter who is terrific, and I feel so sorry for her. Not only has she lost her mum, but I know that she feels that she is losing her dad bit by bit. She is a true blessing.

She likes to try to cheer me up by sending me quizzes and tests from the internet. Some are a bit girly and frothy, but the latest was really good. It breaks you down to your personality type. The Briggs-Myers and Jung stuff.

I took the test and came out as type : I N F J  . ( Advocate ) The analysis really is amazingly accurate. Check out this bit from “Romantic Relationships” :

Advocates are enthusiastic in their relationships, and there is a sense of wisdom behind their spontaneity, allowing them to pleasantly surprise their partners again and again. Advocates aren’t afraid to show their love, and they feel it unconditionally, creating a depth to the relationship that can hardly be described in conventional terms. Relationships with Advocates are not for the uncommitted or the shallow.

When it comes to intimacy, Advocates look for a connection that goes beyond the physical, embracing the emotional and even spiritual connection they have with their partner. People with the Advocate personality type are passionate partners, and see intimacy as a way to express their love and to make their partners happy. Advocates cherish not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person, in mind, body and soul.

So, yeah, it’s a small relief to grasp that what I’m feeling is understandable, considering the deep and total commitment that Sue and I had for, and to, each other.

Anyway, gonna close now. If you want to give the test a go : http://www.16personalities.com.

Thank you so much for reading this, it may not be happy, but it is honest and true.

Take care of yourselves and each other

Steve