We avalanched into love

Hi everyone, i hope that this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife, to cancer. You can imagine how i feel – brokenhearted, devastated, lost – and a hundred other unhappy and sad words.

I use this blog as a cathartic way of letting out some of what i’m feeling. Therefore, it’s not always carefree and happy go lucky, but it’s real, honest, and true.

Furthermore, (unlike Elsa who can Let it Go), in an attempt to keep Sue here with me, i have just finished a manuscript for a novel where Sue comes back and we travel the world, helping people and sorting various things out. Therefore, it combines travel, adventure and of course love.

Now, in a previous post, i said that Sue and i didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it. I’ve been asked what exactly do i mean by that, am i not over exaggarating just a little?

Well, i guess that i can understand that question, (even though i firmly believe that what i said was true), but i will try to explain what i meant. Please bear with me.

Sue grew up surrounded by friends and family, both very large communities. As is often the case, that can produce loud, dominant personalitites, and conversely, quiet, shy individuals. Also, there can be the commonplace view that niceness equals weakness.

Sue didn’t want to be the leader or the loudest, she just wanted to get along, be the peacemaker and if needed peacekeeper.

However, the truth is that she would often end up hurt or misunderstood. As a result, she would often go off by herself, avoiding confrontation. She may have been alone, but at least she wasn’t upset.

Growing up 50 miles away, i also had an unfortunate episode whereby i started to have a terrible stammer. This would cause impatience, frustration, or simple hilarity, and always to my embarrassment.

I suppose a simple fight or flight kicked in. Being a teenager, i chose to fight. But after many, many fights, the whole thing upset my parents, and so i turned to flight. I avoided confrontation. I may have been alone, but at least i wasn’t upset. (sound familiar?)

Anyway, we left school, i lost my stammer, and Sue and i met, in the personnel department of a bank one monday morning at 9am.

We looked at each other, and we just knew!

I guess there was a teenage attraction, (Sue was so pretty, and i was in much better shape that i am now), but we saw something in our eyes. We saw ourselves in each other.

We began dating immediately, and it was no great surprise that we liked the same things, disliked the same things, Sue was the female version of me, i was the male version of Sue. We truly were like hands in gloves.

At our wedding, the best man said that we were a lovely couple, but that ultimately we were like a two piece jigsaw puzzle, all we needed was each other. I agree totally.

Years later, at an anniversary, a friend toasted that although we didn’t look like each other, (if nothing else, i was 6′, and Sue 5’2″), in every other way we were like twins, but twins that were completely and totally in love with each other.

Often we would just look at each other, smile, nod and say  “Together Forever”, and all was right with the world.

Looking back, i think that both of us had held so much in, afraid to be vulnerable enough to love. Therefore, once we lowered our defences, it was as if the floodgates were opened, and we simply poured love, trust, openness and togetherness into each other. It was good, open, honest and real.

I could go on and on, but hopefully i’ve begun to describe it properly. All we ever needed was each other. We always believed that as long as we had each other, we could do, and get through, anything. Hence, my broken heart, devastation and complete loss.

I truly feel for anyone who has lost someone dear or close to them.

I attach a photo of us after we’d been dating for about a week – together and happy.

Anyway, as always, thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to comment,

take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Advertisements

Yearning…..

Hi everyone i hope this finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. This blog is my weak attempt to cope with how i am feeling. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

A friend, meaning to be kind and well-intentioned, showed me (again) the kubler-ross stages of grief or mourning. You probably know them : denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance or ‘DABDA’.

While they may be a neat package in which to describe what’s going on, i have issues with this.

+ i don’t agree with the B , i think it would be better to replace it with Y for yearning. i YEARN for Sue, i am not going through an intellectual process but an emotional experience.

++ an extension of the first, DABDA is a ‘head’ response to what is going on in my heart, and therefore doesn’t help at all, i need ‘heart’ assistance.

+++ when i feel in love with Sue, i didn’t think ‘oh yes, this would be a good person to share my life with’ , i just tumbled, no, avalanched, into love with Sue, and she was ALL i wanted.

++++ throughout our life together, all the wonderful things in life were wrapped and shared with that one fantastic person. even the worst and horrible things were reduced and ultimately destroyed by our communal, shared love for each other.

+++++ let me please ask you to do something: stand up and put your weight evenly on both legs, lowering your centre of gravity, and ask someone to give you a shove. After a quck wobble, you should be able to stabilise yourself quite easily. Now stand on one leg, that same shove will make you wobble, overbalance, and if you don’t put down the other leg, you will probably fall over. THAT’S how my life feels right now, weak, feeble, helpless, hopeless.

++++++ it’s so difficult to ‘move on’ when all your happiness is in the past, when the present always gave you so much joy, now you have to search for the slightest light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it always feels like it’s another bloody train of heartache.

OK, that’s it, i apologise for the solemnity and misery of this post, but that’s how it is right now, my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who might be feeling the same way.

Take care of yourselves and each other, please don’t take each other for granted, cherish each moment together, because believe me, it totally sucks when it ain’t there.

Thank for listening, well, reading, blessya,

Steve

 

 

I knew I loved Sue before I even met her

Hi there, i hope this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. So i am sure that you can imagine how i feel – broken, devastated, lost – and a hundred other miserable and sad words. However, sometimes i am lifted up by something.

Last night, or rather this morning at 3 am, i awoke from a dream.

I was dreaming that my hair was being ruffled. It was Sue. She smiled lovingly at me, then kissed me. Then she softly began to sing :

“Maybe it’s intuition…..”

I replied in song :

“Somethings you just don’t question…..”

Then we joined together :

“Like in your eyes…..”

Then we sang the whole song together and to each other.

This is the happiest i’ve been for a long while. it may not be ‘real’ but i tell you, it’s real enough for me. Especially as yesterday was a bad day, i was so depressed. But in a few moments, and out of nowhere, my heart is singing. And as the song says :

“i know that it might sound more than a little crazy…”   but Sue is still here with me.

 

i hope you have time to give this a play, (skip any ads) and that you have someone to sing it to :

 

Thanks for reading. take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

 

Be the legend you are meant to be

Hi everyone, i hope this finds you well.

Just to say that my name is Steve and i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. Therefore, my blogs are not always happy go lucky cups of glee.

But i do try to stay upbeat if i can. i kinda grasp at any straw if it keeps me going.

Today i sat through a My Little Pony film with my lil princess, my granddaughter. As a 60+ year old man, it wasn’t the greatest film that i’ve ever seen, but this song made me think.

To me, my Sue was, and is, a legend. What i mean by that is this : she did her own thing. Sue didn’t follow other people, or the ways of the world. Do you know what i mean?

Nowadays, comedians don’t rely on being funny. If they are losing their audience, they just throw in a few swear words, a few crude gestures, and hey, they’re back on track.

Songwriters used to talk of love, smiles and togetherness. Now, it’s as many one night stands as possible, (often caused by the pressure of peers, or simply the modern world), or perhaps, a derogatory word here, a disrespectful remark there. Am I making sense?

This simple song says :   ““Be a hero, Be yourself, Be the legend you are MEANT to be””

In other words,

listen to your heart, be true to yourself, be the person that you are supposed to be.

Then you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile, and sleep soundly and well at night.

OK, nuff said, i hope this means something to someone out there, it speaks to me.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to suck

This is how my first blog started :

Hi, my name is Steve. My wonderful wife, Sue, and I were together for over 40 years. She recently succumbed to cancer, after battling it for 14 years.

It’s very difficult to put into words how much we loved each other. We met as teenagers and didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it. We never wanted to be apart.

 

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, a time for cards, flowers, candy, a nice meal, and love. I really do hope that couples everywhere have a wonderful time.

But, when your love is not here, and I’m not just talking absent, it can truly be a tough time. Sue and I spent 0ver 40 Valentine’s together, and now we can’t.

Or at least, that’s what I thought. It could have been very easy for me to just laze around in bed or in an armchair, completely lost in grief and misery. And that’s actually how the day started. But……………

I decided to make a change. I burned myself a CD of lots of our favourite songs. Then I played it quietly in the background. Then I got out the best photos that I could find. Then, as I listened and looked, my mind and heart took me, and us, on a nice romantic journey in my head, enjoying all the memories as if they were happening now. It was beautiful.

Now, of course I know it’s not real, it’s just make believe, and, no, I probably couldn’t do it everyday, but just for now, it’s great, and I feel so much better.

Y’see, lots of very well-intentioned people tell me to move on, it’s not healthy to dwell on the past, to want what you cannot have, and I’m sure that in their heads, that would be for the best.

But, the thing is, that my heart won’t let me do that. Quite simply, my love for Sue goes on. As I sit in the lounge, would I love Sue if she was in the garden, or the kitchen? Of course I would. Just because I couldn’t see her, doesn’t mean that I stopped loving her.

In the same way, I may not be able to actually see Sue now, but my love for her continues. And, for the forseeable future, it always will.

Anyways, that’s enough for now, the music is playing, and the photos await, so to all those couples in love, I sincerely wish a wonderful Valentine’s Day. As for me, I’m OK, I’m not alone.

Look after yourselves and each other,

Steve