We avalanched into love

Hi everyone, i hope that this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife, to cancer. You can imagine how i feel – brokenhearted, devastated, lost – and a hundred other unhappy and sad words.

I use this blog as a cathartic way of letting out some of what i’m feeling. Therefore, it’s not always carefree and happy go lucky, but it’s real, honest, and true.

Furthermore, (unlike Elsa who can Let it Go), in an attempt to keep Sue here with me, i have just finished a manuscript for a novel where Sue comes back and we travel the world, helping people and sorting various things out. Therefore, it combines travel, adventure and of course love.

Now, in a previous post, i said that Sue and i didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it. I’ve been asked what exactly do i mean by that, am i not over exaggarating just a little?

Well, i guess that i can understand that question, (even though i firmly believe that what i said was true), but i will try to explain what i meant. Please bear with me.

Sue grew up surrounded by friends and family, both very large communities. As is often the case, that can produce loud, dominant personalitites, and conversely, quiet, shy individuals. Also, there can be the commonplace view that niceness equals weakness.

Sue didn’t want to be the leader or the loudest, she just wanted to get along, be the peacemaker and if needed peacekeeper.

However, the truth is that she would often end up hurt or misunderstood. As a result, she would often go off by herself, avoiding confrontation. She may have been alone, but at least she wasn’t upset.

Growing up 50 miles away, i also had an unfortunate episode whereby i started to have a terrible stammer. This would cause impatience, frustration, or simple hilarity, and always to my embarrassment.

I suppose a simple fight or flight kicked in. Being a teenager, i chose to fight. But after many, many fights, the whole thing upset my parents, and so i turned to flight. I avoided confrontation. I may have been alone, but at least i wasn’t upset. (sound familiar?)

Anyway, we left school, i lost my stammer, and Sue and i met, in the personnel department of a bank one monday morning at 9am.

We looked at each other, and we just knew!

I guess there was a teenage attraction, (Sue was so pretty, and i was in much better shape that i am now), but we saw something in our eyes. We saw ourselves in each other.

We began dating immediately, and it was no great surprise that we liked the same things, disliked the same things, Sue was the female version of me, i was the male version of Sue. We truly were like hands in gloves.

At our wedding, the best man said that we were a lovely couple, but that ultimately we were like a two piece jigsaw puzzle, all we needed was each other. I agree totally.

Years later, at an anniversary, a friend toasted that although we didn’t look like each other, (if nothing else, i was 6′, and Sue 5’2″), in every other way we were like twins, but twins that were completely and totally in love with each other.

Often we would just look at each other, smile, nod and say  “Together Forever”, and all was right with the world.

Looking back, i think that both of us had held so much in, afraid to be vulnerable enough to love. Therefore, once we lowered our defences, it was as if the floodgates were opened, and we simply poured love, trust, openness and togetherness into each other. It was good, open, honest and real.

I could go on and on, but hopefully i’ve begun to describe it properly. All we ever needed was each other. We always believed that as long as we had each other, we could do, and get through, anything. Hence, my broken heart, devastation and complete loss.

I truly feel for anyone who has lost someone dear or close to them.

I attach a photo of us after we’d been dating for about a week – together and happy.

Anyway, as always, thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to comment,

take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Yearning…..

Hi everyone i hope this finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. This blog is my weak attempt to cope with how i am feeling. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

A friend, meaning to be kind and well-intentioned, showed me (again) the kubler-ross stages of grief or mourning. You probably know them : denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance or ‘DABDA’.

While they may be a neat package in which to describe what’s going on, i have issues with this.

+ i don’t agree with the B , i think it would be better to replace it with Y for yearning. i YEARN for Sue, i am not going through an intellectual process but an emotional experience.

++ an extension of the first, DABDA is a ‘head’ response to what is going on in my heart, and therefore doesn’t help at all, i need ‘heart’ assistance.

+++ when i feel in love with Sue, i didn’t think ‘oh yes, this would be a good person to share my life with’ , i just tumbled, no, avalanched, into love with Sue, and she was ALL i wanted.

++++ throughout our life together, all the wonderful things in life were wrapped and shared with that one fantastic person. even the worst and horrible things were reduced and ultimately destroyed by our communal, shared love for each other.

+++++ let me please ask you to do something: stand up and put your weight evenly on both legs, lowering your centre of gravity, and ask someone to give you a shove. After a quck wobble, you should be able to stabilise yourself quite easily. Now stand on one leg, that same shove will make you wobble, overbalance, and if you don’t put down the other leg, you will probably fall over. THAT’S how my life feels right now, weak, feeble, helpless, hopeless.

++++++ it’s so difficult to ‘move on’ when all your happiness is in the past, when the present always gave you so much joy, now you have to search for the slightest light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it always feels like it’s another bloody train of heartache.

OK, that’s it, i apologise for the solemnity and misery of this post, but that’s how it is right now, my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who might be feeling the same way.

Take care of yourselves and each other, please don’t take each other for granted, cherish each moment together, because believe me, it totally sucks when it ain’t there.

Thank for listening, well, reading, blessya,

Steve

 

 

Absence…

Hi, my name is Steve, i hope this finds you well.

i recently lost Sue, my beautiful wife of 40 years, to cancer. i kinda use this blog as a way to get through how i feel, so my posts are not always cheery and happy-go-lucky. This is one of those times.

Recently, i have used words like heartbroken, sad, miserable, lonely, lost, broken and a hundred more. This morning, 3 a.m., i woke up to find another : ABSENCE.

Sue is absent from my life, my world. i have a Sue-sized cavity in my life that is cavernous.

Have you ever seen a pothole that’s been filled in? It never looks quite the same.

Have you ever filled in a crack in brickwork or plaster? It never looks quite the same.

In the same way, no matter what i try to use to fill that hole that Sue used to fill so easily, so perfectly, i just know that it will never quite happen, my life will never be the same again.

Have you ever seen a perfect wooden dovetail joint? Designed to have complete resistance to separation, it takes something of magnitude to pull it apart.

In the same way, death was the only thing that could have parted Sue and me. And even now, it hasn’t. As has been said before :

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

A heart doesn’t stop loving just because the other person cannot be seen. As far as the heart is concerned, the loved one is simply in the next room, no matter how far away that room is.

That said, there is a massive absence in my heart, in my life. An absence of Sue.

My heart goes out to anyone out there who has felt, or is feeling, that same way about a special someone in their life.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Nature or Nurture – it’s you.

Hi there. My name is Steve, i hope this finds you well.

Just to say that i recently lost Sue my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. So, two things: yep i am old; and i am heartbroken, devastated and lost. i use this blog to help me cope.

Today, it’s nature v nurture. Are we made by our birth character or how we are raised?

I’m no behaviouralist, so i can only go about this from a personal basis.

NURTURE

We’ve all seen the films where there is a birds nest full of chicks and a parent returns with food. Often the chick that chirps the loudest gets the food.

Well, Sue came from a large family, and she was the nice, quiet one. She may not have been starved of food, but she definitely often felt starved of attention. She would quietly go about her nice business, but felt overshadowed or bullied.

As a result, Sue would often go off to be by herself, for a walk, maybe, or even go to bed. Anything to avoid confrontation.

Now, 50 miles away, there was a boy who was sent off to a school that he detested. He developed a terrible stammer. Trying to explain this just made it worse. We all know how unkind kids can be to those who are different. It became a fight or flight situation.

Being a teenage boy, i chose to fight. But, after constantly getting into trouble, and upsetting my parents, i switched to flight. Getting to recognise the warning signs, i would take off by myself, avoiding confrontation.

The result of this, of course, is that both Sue and i spent all our quality time alone.

NATURE

I realised early in life that i had an ‘all or nothing’ personality. If there was a choice of my doing something, i would do it 100% or 0%, somehow i just couldn’t compromise. Whatever it was, it was all or nothing, kinda obsessive/compulsive. If i was going to be your friend, i was going to be your BEST friend. If i was going to sing a song, i would do it perfectly, or not at all. All or nothing. This made it very difficult for me to make easy-going relationships, i was so intense.

Incredibly, that 50 miles away, Sue was exactly the same. Best friends, or not a friend at all. Singing songs, playing games, hair and make-up, 100% or 0%, all or nothing. Sue also found it extremely difficult to make friends.

SOLUTION

When Sue was 16, and i was 19, we went to work at the same place. (Fortunately my stammer had gone). On the first day, we looked at each other, and we knew. We saw ourselves in each other. If there could ever be a female version of me, it was Sue. If there could be a male Sue, then it was me.

As i’ve said before, we didn’t just fall into love, we avalanched into it. From that first day, we gave in to each other 100%. We never wanted to be apart. In fact, for over 40 years, unless we had to be apart, we weren’t. We simply preferred our company to anybody else’s.

If it all sounds extreme, that’s because it was. We had found our soulmates, perfect partners, forever buddies, best lovers, you name it, all wrapped up in each other.

SO…………………………..

why am i telling us this? Believe me, it is not to boast, that is not my style. Sue and i had our lives of mystery, wonder and romance. No, i am saying this in the hope that i can maybe help others.

Springsteen said :

Everybody needs a place to rest, everybody wants to have a home,

Don’t make no difference what nobody says, ain’t nobody wants to be alone.

Nobody wants to be alone. We all want to have someone to share our lives with. Everybody wants and needs to be loved, and to give love. Yet, it can be so very hard to come by, and to commit to it when it does. Uncertainty can stop us from giving it our all.

My personal view from experience, is that if you find that nature and nurture combine to give your heart reason to give unconditionally, to ache when you are apart, to feel joy and happiness from just the touch of a hand, or a glance across a room, then go for it. Consider it a blessing, and grab it with both hands. Don’t let it slip through your grasp. Cherish it.

OK, that’s quite a lengthy post for today, i’d better quit here. Thanks so much for reading.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

 

 

 

 

 

There’s a place……………………

 

Hi everyone, i hope you are well.

As you may know, my name is Steve and i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. Therefore, this blog is not always happy-go-lucky and full of fun.

Both hopelessly romantic and completely in love with each other, we really like the old-fashioned musicals. There were 4 showing on a TV channel today.

One of them was West Side Story. Based on Romeo and Juliet of course, it has great music, dancing and so on, but there are bits in it that simply touch my heart. I attach a link to a short tw0-minute song that i just cannot watch without crying.

If you and your loved one have ever been in a really tough place that’s tearing you up, and you just want to go SOMEWHERE, to get away from it all, maybe you’ll agree with me.

 

 

 

I hope you like it,

take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

 

Soft and fuzzy or Hard and spiky

Hi there, my name is Steve, and i hope this finds you well.

If this is your first time on my blog, please know that i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. I guess you could say, that at the moment, life pretty much sucks.

i saw this pixar short and it got me thinking.

Sometimes life will feel all soft and fuzzy. Others, like i’ve been hit and knocked around.

All i can really do, is protect myself the best i can, though at times i will end up frazzled.

 

Anyway, that will do for today, i hope you enjoy this, and can take something from it.

As always, take care of yourselves and each other.

Steve

 

Love is stronger than hate – it has to be

Hi everyone, I hope this finds you all well.

If this is your first time here, I’d better say that my name is Steve, and I recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. So, yes, I am old, also heartbroken, devastated and lost. We were  everything to each other. We fell in love as teenagers, and grew closer and more together every day. Therefore this is not always a happy-go-lucky blog.

Anyway, back to it. Yesterday, was a bad day for me. I try to keep busy as much as possible, in an effort to distract myself from the emptiness and pain that I constantly feel.

But yesterday, it seemed that everything I ate, drank, watched, smelt, heard – everything, reminded me of Sue, and the fact that she isn’t here.

This pain eventually turned to frustration and anger. I was angry at all the TV channels, every radio station, absolutely everything and everyone. It was not good.

But then I looked at one of the many photos of Sue that I have all over the house. Oh, man, how I love her, adore her. One look at her smile lightens my day, brightens my life.

And soon, I was smiling.My love for Sue was, and is, stronger than my hate for anything.

And as I continued to look around the room, it was just as if a warm light began to glow, in me and all around me. I began to smile.

LOVE is stronger than hate. LOVE IS STRONGER than hate !

Check out these words : and think about their origin :

friendship

freedom

joy

charity

forgiveness

healing

community

truth

kindness

generosity

hope

their origin      :       LOVE  !!

I know that this is not new, clever, or earth-shattering, but it helps me, and if it helps anyone out there, right here, right now, then it was worthwhile posting this blog.

Finally, when I was a lot younger, someone told me that it takes three times as many muscles to frown than it does to smile. It may or may not be true, but just in case, why waste energy? Besides, a smile is UPWARDS, and a frown is DOWNWARDS. Choose wisely.

As always, take care of yourselves and each other

Thank you so much for reading, please feel free to leave any comments

Steve