Yearning…..

Hi everyone i hope this finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. This blog is my weak attempt to cope with how i am feeling. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

A friend, meaning to be kind and well-intentioned, showed me (again) the kubler-ross stages of grief or mourning. You probably know them : denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance or ‘DABDA’.

While they may be a neat package in which to describe what’s going on, i have issues with this.

+ i don’t agree with the B , i think it would be better to replace it with Y for yearning. i YEARN for Sue, i am not going through an intellectual process but an emotional experience.

++ an extension of the first, DABDA is a ‘head’ response to what is going on in my heart, and therefore doesn’t help at all, i need ‘heart’ assistance.

+++ when i feel in love with Sue, i didn’t think ‘oh yes, this would be a good person to share my life with’ , i just tumbled, no, avalanched, into love with Sue, and she was ALL i wanted.

++++ throughout our life together, all the wonderful things in life were wrapped and shared with that one fantastic person. even the worst and horrible things were reduced and ultimately destroyed by our communal, shared love for each other.

+++++ let me please ask you to do something: stand up and put your weight evenly on both legs, lowering your centre of gravity, and ask someone to give you a shove. After a quck wobble, you should be able to stabilise yourself quite easily. Now stand on one leg, that same shove will make you wobble, overbalance, and if you don’t put down the other leg, you will probably fall over. THAT’S how my life feels right now, weak, feeble, helpless, hopeless.

++++++ it’s so difficult to ‘move on’ when all your happiness is in the past, when the present always gave you so much joy, now you have to search for the slightest light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it always feels like it’s another bloody train of heartache.

OK, that’s it, i apologise for the solemnity and misery of this post, but that’s how it is right now, my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who might be feeling the same way.

Take care of yourselves and each other, please don’t take each other for granted, cherish each moment together, because believe me, it totally sucks when it ain’t there.

Thank for listening, well, reading, blessya,

Steve

 

 

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Absence…

Hi, my name is Steve, i hope this finds you well.

i recently lost Sue, my beautiful wife of 40 years, to cancer. i kinda use this blog as a way to get through how i feel, so my posts are not always cheery and happy-go-lucky. This is one of those times.

Recently, i have used words like heartbroken, sad, miserable, lonely, lost, broken and a hundred more. This morning, 3 a.m., i woke up to find another : ABSENCE.

Sue is absent from my life, my world. i have a Sue-sized cavity in my life that is cavernous.

Have you ever seen a pothole that’s been filled in? It never looks quite the same.

Have you ever filled in a crack in brickwork or plaster? It never looks quite the same.

In the same way, no matter what i try to use to fill that hole that Sue used to fill so easily, so perfectly, i just know that it will never quite happen, my life will never be the same again.

Have you ever seen a perfect wooden dovetail joint? Designed to have complete resistance to separation, it takes something of magnitude to pull it apart.

In the same way, death was the only thing that could have parted Sue and me. And even now, it hasn’t. As has been said before :

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

A heart doesn’t stop loving just because the other person cannot be seen. As far as the heart is concerned, the loved one is simply in the next room, no matter how far away that room is.

That said, there is a massive absence in my heart, in my life. An absence of Sue.

My heart goes out to anyone out there who has felt, or is feeling, that same way about a special someone in their life.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Now that I saw Sue

 

Hi everyone, I hope this finds you well.

In case this is your first look at my blog, my name is Steve. I recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. So, if you work it out, I’m old.

I miss Sue terribly. We met as teenagers and fell in love. Actually, we more like avalanched into it. Put simply, we were everything to each other. I am heartbroken, devastated. lost.

So, once again, I’d better say that mine is not one of those bright n breezy, happy go lucky  blogs. It’s the outpouring of a broken heart, pure and simple.

I try to do little bits and pieces to keep going, but, man, it is so tough.

I am fortunate to have two terrific grandchildren , a boy of 8, and a girl of 5.

This afternoon, my daughter phoned to say that she didn’t feel well and could I collect my little princess from school, take back to mine, and daddy would pick her up later. Glad to.

We watched ‘Tangled’. Pretty good film. Fun action, good characters, and a song that made me cry. I had to go into the kitchen to avoid the possible “Grandad, are you OK?”

Y’see as a teenager, I got into the usual scrapes and bits of aggro, but one day, when I was 19, Sue arrived into my life, and everything changed. She was just 16, but it was just as if I saw everything in a new way, a new light. And this song says just that :

all at once everything looks different, now that I see you

it’s a small jump for me to sing

all at once everything is different , now that I see Sue

 

Oh yeah, I haven’t said yet that Sue and I were both hopeless romantics, and we poured all our hearts into each other. When we got married, it was said that basically we were like a 2 piece jigsaw puzzle, all we wanted and needed was each other.

So, I guess you may be thinging ‘yuck, what a load of tosh’, and that’s fair enough, but if you are thinking ‘yeah, that’s beautiful’, then that’s very cool, welcome to my world.

Anyway, I will try to attach the link to I See The Light , check it out, I love it.

 

I’ll close now, take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

 

 

I am who I am

Hi everyone, I hope this finds you well.

For those who are reading my blog for the first time, my name is Steve, and I recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. So, yep, I’m old.

So, having said that, if you want a happy, cheerful read, you’d best move on.

Actually, I feel kinda guilty about putting out a blog that ain’t so gleeful, but that’s not what’s in my heart right now, so I have to go with what I’ve got.

In a weird way, I guess it’s like John Rambo at the end of First Blood. All the mayhem stops when he sobs and lets out how he’s feeling to his C.O. If that continues, then just maybe he can stop hurting himself, and consequently, others.

I’m not a soldier of course, but as I pour myself out in this blog, then maybe I can release some of the pain that’s in me, and persevere to survive another day. I hope that makes sense.

Sue and I met as teenagers. We didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it.

Nobody thought it could last. It was all too deep, too intense. They thought it would be like one of those stars that burn itself out. But it didn’t, it just continued to shine ever brighter.

We have our daughter who is terrific, and I feel so sorry for her. Not only has she lost her mum, but I know that she feels that she is losing her dad bit by bit. She is a true blessing.

She likes to try to cheer me up by sending me quizzes and tests from the internet. Some are a bit girly and frothy, but the latest was really good. It breaks you down to your personality type. The Briggs-Myers and Jung stuff.

I took the test and came out as type : I N F J  . ( Advocate ) The analysis really is amazingly accurate. Check out this bit from “Romantic Relationships” :

Advocates are enthusiastic in their relationships, and there is a sense of wisdom behind their spontaneity, allowing them to pleasantly surprise their partners again and again. Advocates aren’t afraid to show their love, and they feel it unconditionally, creating a depth to the relationship that can hardly be described in conventional terms. Relationships with Advocates are not for the uncommitted or the shallow.

When it comes to intimacy, Advocates look for a connection that goes beyond the physical, embracing the emotional and even spiritual connection they have with their partner. People with the Advocate personality type are passionate partners, and see intimacy as a way to express their love and to make their partners happy. Advocates cherish not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person, in mind, body and soul.

So, yeah, it’s a small relief to grasp that what I’m feeling is understandable, considering the deep and total commitment that Sue and I had for, and to, each other.

Anyway, gonna close now. If you want to give the test a go : http://www.16personalities.com.

Thank you so much for reading this, it may not be happy, but it is honest and true.

Take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

 

 

Alone again.

I had a lovely meal with the family today. Everything was terrific. Adults and children enjoyed themselves, everyone was happy, even the food was great.

But, I went home to an empty house.

My wonderful wife of 40 years recently lost her 14 year battle with cancer.

It doesn’t matter how many phone calls and texts I get, how many supportive words from friends and family, the fact is that I miss Sue so much that it hurts. Not just emotionally, but actually physically, I guess the word is anguish.

You don’t get to my age without loss. Grandparents, parents, I have buried them all. But each time, Sue was there with me, my love, my companion, my help, my rock.

I try to fill my life with distractions, but sooner or later, I have to come home to the empty house. Some people have said that I should move. But what’s the point? Sue won’t be there. And that’s what I want, that’s what I need – Susie, my Sue.

I will close there. I know that a blog should be uplifting, inspirational, fun, – well, sorry, but that’s not where I am right now. It’s more heartbroken, crushed, lost.

I sincerely hope that you are not in the same situation. If you are, my heart goes out to you.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Steve

 

 

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to suck

This is how my first blog started :

Hi, my name is Steve. My wonderful wife, Sue, and I were together for over 40 years. She recently succumbed to cancer, after battling it for 14 years.

It’s very difficult to put into words how much we loved each other. We met as teenagers and didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it. We never wanted to be apart.

 

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, a time for cards, flowers, candy, a nice meal, and love. I really do hope that couples everywhere have a wonderful time.

But, when your love is not here, and I’m not just talking absent, it can truly be a tough time. Sue and I spent 0ver 40 Valentine’s together, and now we can’t.

Or at least, that’s what I thought. It could have been very easy for me to just laze around in bed or in an armchair, completely lost in grief and misery. And that’s actually how the day started. But……………

I decided to make a change. I burned myself a CD of lots of our favourite songs. Then I played it quietly in the background. Then I got out the best photos that I could find. Then, as I listened and looked, my mind and heart took me, and us, on a nice romantic journey in my head, enjoying all the memories as if they were happening now. It was beautiful.

Now, of course I know it’s not real, it’s just make believe, and, no, I probably couldn’t do it everyday, but just for now, it’s great, and I feel so much better.

Y’see, lots of very well-intentioned people tell me to move on, it’s not healthy to dwell on the past, to want what you cannot have, and I’m sure that in their heads, that would be for the best.

But, the thing is, that my heart won’t let me do that. Quite simply, my love for Sue goes on. As I sit in the lounge, would I love Sue if she was in the garden, or the kitchen? Of course I would. Just because I couldn’t see her, doesn’t mean that I stopped loving her.

In the same way, I may not be able to actually see Sue now, but my love for her continues. And, for the forseeable future, it always will.

Anyways, that’s enough for now, the music is playing, and the photos await, so to all those couples in love, I sincerely wish a wonderful Valentine’s Day. As for me, I’m OK, I’m not alone.

Look after yourselves and each other,

Steve

 

 

 

 

Grieving and Missing

Hi, my name is Steve. My wonderful wife, Sue, and I were together for over 40 years. She recently succumbed to cancer, after battling it for 14 years.

It’s very difficult to put into words how much we loved each other. We met as teenagers and didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it. We never wanted to be apart.

No-one thought it could possibly last. Like one of those stars that burn itself out. But for us, our love simply burned ever brightly each and every day. At our wedding, the besr man said that we were like a 2-piece jigsaw puzzle, all we needed was each other.

The bottom line is that I miss Sue so much that it hurts. The slightest smell, sight or sound can have me in tears. If that sounds pathetic, well, I don’t really care. I’m just starting this blog to get things out of my heart and onto the page. If it touches anyone then that’s great.

I’m gonna stop now, and leave more, and there’s lots of it, for other days. I guess that people’s reaction may be ‘oh yeah’ or ‘aw bless’, but this is just how I’m feeling.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve