We avalanched into love

Hi everyone, i hope that this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife, to cancer. You can imagine how i feel – brokenhearted, devastated, lost – and a hundred other unhappy and sad words.

I use this blog as a cathartic way of letting out some of what i’m feeling. Therefore, it’s not always carefree and happy go lucky, but it’s real, honest, and true.

Furthermore, (unlike Elsa who can Let it Go), in an attempt to keep Sue here with me, i have just finished a manuscript for a novel where Sue comes back and we travel the world, helping people and sorting various things out. Therefore, it combines travel, adventure and of course love.

Now, in a previous post, i said that Sue and i didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it. I’ve been asked what exactly do i mean by that, am i not over exaggarating just a little?

Well, i guess that i can understand that question, (even though i firmly believe that what i said was true), but i will try to explain what i meant. Please bear with me.

Sue grew up surrounded by friends and family, both very large communities. As is often the case, that can produce loud, dominant personalitites, and conversely, quiet, shy individuals. Also, there can be the commonplace view that niceness equals weakness.

Sue didn’t want to be the leader or the loudest, she just wanted to get along, be the peacemaker and if needed peacekeeper.

However, the truth is that she would often end up hurt or misunderstood. As a result, she would often go off by herself, avoiding confrontation. She may have been alone, but at least she wasn’t upset.

Growing up 50 miles away, i also had an unfortunate episode whereby i started to have a terrible stammer. This would cause impatience, frustration, or simple hilarity, and always to my embarrassment.

I suppose a simple fight or flight kicked in. Being a teenager, i chose to fight. But after many, many fights, the whole thing upset my parents, and so i turned to flight. I avoided confrontation. I may have been alone, but at least i wasn’t upset. (sound familiar?)

Anyway, we left school, i lost my stammer, and Sue and i met, in the personnel department of a bank one monday morning at 9am.

We looked at each other, and we just knew!

I guess there was a teenage attraction, (Sue was so pretty, and i was in much better shape that i am now), but we saw something in our eyes. We saw ourselves in each other.

We began dating immediately, and it was no great surprise that we liked the same things, disliked the same things, Sue was the female version of me, i was the male version of Sue. We truly were like hands in gloves.

At our wedding, the best man said that we were a lovely couple, but that ultimately we were like a two piece jigsaw puzzle, all we needed was each other. I agree totally.

Years later, at an anniversary, a friend toasted that although we didn’t look like each other, (if nothing else, i was 6′, and Sue 5’2″), in every other way we were like twins, but twins that were completely and totally in love with each other.

Often we would just look at each other, smile, nod and say  “Together Forever”, and all was right with the world.

Looking back, i think that both of us had held so much in, afraid to be vulnerable enough to love. Therefore, once we lowered our defences, it was as if the floodgates were opened, and we simply poured love, trust, openness and togetherness into each other. It was good, open, honest and real.

I could go on and on, but hopefully i’ve begun to describe it properly. All we ever needed was each other. We always believed that as long as we had each other, we could do, and get through, anything. Hence, my broken heart, devastation and complete loss.

I truly feel for anyone who has lost someone dear or close to them.

I attach a photo of us after we’d been dating for about a week – together and happy.

Anyway, as always, thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to comment,

take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Advertisements

Yearning…..

Hi everyone i hope this finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. This blog is my weak attempt to cope with how i am feeling. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

A friend, meaning to be kind and well-intentioned, showed me (again) the kubler-ross stages of grief or mourning. You probably know them : denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance or ‘DABDA’.

While they may be a neat package in which to describe what’s going on, i have issues with this.

+ i don’t agree with the B , i think it would be better to replace it with Y for yearning. i YEARN for Sue, i am not going through an intellectual process but an emotional experience.

++ an extension of the first, DABDA is a ‘head’ response to what is going on in my heart, and therefore doesn’t help at all, i need ‘heart’ assistance.

+++ when i feel in love with Sue, i didn’t think ‘oh yes, this would be a good person to share my life with’ , i just tumbled, no, avalanched, into love with Sue, and she was ALL i wanted.

++++ throughout our life together, all the wonderful things in life were wrapped and shared with that one fantastic person. even the worst and horrible things were reduced and ultimately destroyed by our communal, shared love for each other.

+++++ let me please ask you to do something: stand up and put your weight evenly on both legs, lowering your centre of gravity, and ask someone to give you a shove. After a quck wobble, you should be able to stabilise yourself quite easily. Now stand on one leg, that same shove will make you wobble, overbalance, and if you don’t put down the other leg, you will probably fall over. THAT’S how my life feels right now, weak, feeble, helpless, hopeless.

++++++ it’s so difficult to ‘move on’ when all your happiness is in the past, when the present always gave you so much joy, now you have to search for the slightest light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it always feels like it’s another bloody train of heartache.

OK, that’s it, i apologise for the solemnity and misery of this post, but that’s how it is right now, my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who might be feeling the same way.

Take care of yourselves and each other, please don’t take each other for granted, cherish each moment together, because believe me, it totally sucks when it ain’t there.

Thank for listening, well, reading, blessya,

Steve

 

 

Life may end , but love doesn’t

Did anyone watch the detective series RIVER on BBC last year ?

Starring Stellan Skarsgard and Nicola Walker, it had various plots in it, but the key one for me was the love that Inspector John River had for Sergeant Jackie Stevenson (“Stevie”).

Unfortunately, Stevie had been killed, but an emotionally fragile John River often ‘saw’ her. She would sometimes try to help him by telling him to lighten up, maybe even go dancing. He began to realise that if he ever solved her murder, he risked losing ‘seeing’ her forever.

Now, I loved the series. I like detective stories but the whole thing struck a note with me, because I recently lost my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. I can totally understand what he is going through.

The series is brought to a conclusion in the attached clip. It’s beautifully done. Please give it a play, it’s terrific. As the famous quote says : ” Life may end , but love doesn’t “

Please feel free to like, leave comments etc.

Take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

I knew I loved Sue before I even met her

Hi there, i hope this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. So i am sure that you can imagine how i feel – broken, devastated, lost – and a hundred other miserable and sad words. However, sometimes i am lifted up by something.

Last night, or rather this morning at 3 am, i awoke from a dream.

I was dreaming that my hair was being ruffled. It was Sue. She smiled lovingly at me, then kissed me. Then she softly began to sing :

“Maybe it’s intuition…..”

I replied in song :

“Somethings you just don’t question…..”

Then we joined together :

“Like in your eyes…..”

Then we sang the whole song together and to each other.

This is the happiest i’ve been for a long while. it may not be ‘real’ but i tell you, it’s real enough for me. Especially as yesterday was a bad day, i was so depressed. But in a few moments, and out of nowhere, my heart is singing. And as the song says :

“i know that it might sound more than a little crazy…”   but Sue is still here with me.

 

i hope you have time to give this a play, (skip any ads) and that you have someone to sing it to :

 

Thanks for reading. take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

 

The Greatest Pain……

Hi everyone, i hope this finds you well.

My name is Steve, and i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. This blog is therefore not always happy, but it is my way of trying to cope with the sadness.

My beautiful Susie loved the seaside, and we would often go and simply sit and watch the sun dance on the water.

As I remember that, a famous quote comes to mind :

   The greatest pain is the memory of joy while in the presence of grief

i believe it was said over 2,500 years ago, but it couldn’t be more real to me today.

if you are also feeling the same pain and sadness , then my heart goes out to you.

feel free to like, leave comments, or follow

take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

Absence…

Hi, my name is Steve, i hope this finds you well.

i recently lost Sue, my beautiful wife of 40 years, to cancer. i kinda use this blog as a way to get through how i feel, so my posts are not always cheery and happy-go-lucky. This is one of those times.

Recently, i have used words like heartbroken, sad, miserable, lonely, lost, broken and a hundred more. This morning, 3 a.m., i woke up to find another : ABSENCE.

Sue is absent from my life, my world. i have a Sue-sized cavity in my life that is cavernous.

Have you ever seen a pothole that’s been filled in? It never looks quite the same.

Have you ever filled in a crack in brickwork or plaster? It never looks quite the same.

In the same way, no matter what i try to use to fill that hole that Sue used to fill so easily, so perfectly, i just know that it will never quite happen, my life will never be the same again.

Have you ever seen a perfect wooden dovetail joint? Designed to have complete resistance to separation, it takes something of magnitude to pull it apart.

In the same way, death was the only thing that could have parted Sue and me. And even now, it hasn’t. As has been said before :

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

A heart doesn’t stop loving just because the other person cannot be seen. As far as the heart is concerned, the loved one is simply in the next room, no matter how far away that room is.

That said, there is a massive absence in my heart, in my life. An absence of Sue.

My heart goes out to anyone out there who has felt, or is feeling, that same way about a special someone in their life.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Nature or Nurture – it’s you.

Hi there. My name is Steve, i hope this finds you well.

Just to say that i recently lost Sue my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. So, two things: yep i am old; and i am heartbroken, devastated and lost. i use this blog to help me cope.

Today, it’s nature v nurture. Are we made by our birth character or how we are raised?

I’m no behaviouralist, so i can only go about this from a personal basis.

NURTURE

We’ve all seen the films where there is a birds nest full of chicks and a parent returns with food. Often the chick that chirps the loudest gets the food.

Well, Sue came from a large family, and she was the nice, quiet one. She may not have been starved of food, but she definitely often felt starved of attention. She would quietly go about her nice business, but felt overshadowed or bullied.

As a result, Sue would often go off to be by herself, for a walk, maybe, or even go to bed. Anything to avoid confrontation.

Now, 50 miles away, there was a boy who was sent off to a school that he detested. He developed a terrible stammer. Trying to explain this just made it worse. We all know how unkind kids can be to those who are different. It became a fight or flight situation.

Being a teenage boy, i chose to fight. But, after constantly getting into trouble, and upsetting my parents, i switched to flight. Getting to recognise the warning signs, i would take off by myself, avoiding confrontation.

The result of this, of course, is that both Sue and i spent all our quality time alone.

NATURE

I realised early in life that i had an ‘all or nothing’ personality. If there was a choice of my doing something, i would do it 100% or 0%, somehow i just couldn’t compromise. Whatever it was, it was all or nothing, kinda obsessive/compulsive. If i was going to be your friend, i was going to be your BEST friend. If i was going to sing a song, i would do it perfectly, or not at all. All or nothing. This made it very difficult for me to make easy-going relationships, i was so intense.

Incredibly, that 50 miles away, Sue was exactly the same. Best friends, or not a friend at all. Singing songs, playing games, hair and make-up, 100% or 0%, all or nothing. Sue also found it extremely difficult to make friends.

SOLUTION

When Sue was 16, and i was 19, we went to work at the same place. (Fortunately my stammer had gone). On the first day, we looked at each other, and we knew. We saw ourselves in each other. If there could ever be a female version of me, it was Sue. If there could be a male Sue, then it was me.

As i’ve said before, we didn’t just fall into love, we avalanched into it. From that first day, we gave in to each other 100%. We never wanted to be apart. In fact, for over 40 years, unless we had to be apart, we weren’t. We simply preferred our company to anybody else’s.

If it all sounds extreme, that’s because it was. We had found our soulmates, perfect partners, forever buddies, best lovers, you name it, all wrapped up in each other.

SO…………………………..

why am i telling us this? Believe me, it is not to boast, that is not my style. Sue and i had our lives of mystery, wonder and romance. No, i am saying this in the hope that i can maybe help others.

Springsteen said :

Everybody needs a place to rest, everybody wants to have a home,

Don’t make no difference what nobody says, ain’t nobody wants to be alone.

Nobody wants to be alone. We all want to have someone to share our lives with. Everybody wants and needs to be loved, and to give love. Yet, it can be so very hard to come by, and to commit to it when it does. Uncertainty can stop us from giving it our all.

My personal view from experience, is that if you find that nature and nurture combine to give your heart reason to give unconditionally, to ache when you are apart, to feel joy and happiness from just the touch of a hand, or a glance across a room, then go for it. Consider it a blessing, and grab it with both hands. Don’t let it slip through your grasp. Cherish it.

OK, that’s quite a lengthy post for today, i’d better quit here. Thanks so much for reading.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve