We avalanched into love

Hi everyone, i hope that this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife, to cancer. You can imagine how i feel – brokenhearted, devastated, lost – and a hundred other unhappy and sad words.

I use this blog as a cathartic way of letting out some of what i’m feeling. Therefore, it’s not always carefree and happy go lucky, but it’s real, honest, and true.

Furthermore, (unlike Elsa who can Let it Go), in an attempt to keep Sue here with me, i have just finished a manuscript for a novel where Sue comes back and we travel the world, helping people and sorting various things out. Therefore, it combines travel, adventure and of course love.

Now, in a previous post, i said that Sue and i didn’t just fall in love, we avalanched into it. I’ve been asked what exactly do i mean by that, am i not over exaggarating just a little?

Well, i guess that i can understand that question, (even though i firmly believe that what i said was true), but i will try to explain what i meant. Please bear with me.

Sue grew up surrounded by friends and family, both very large communities. As is often the case, that can produce loud, dominant personalitites, and conversely, quiet, shy individuals. Also, there can be the commonplace view that niceness equals weakness.

Sue didn’t want to be the leader or the loudest, she just wanted to get along, be the peacemaker and if needed peacekeeper.

However, the truth is that she would often end up hurt or misunderstood. As a result, she would often go off by herself, avoiding confrontation. She may have been alone, but at least she wasn’t upset.

Growing up 50 miles away, i also had an unfortunate episode whereby i started to have a terrible stammer. This would cause impatience, frustration, or simple hilarity, and always to my embarrassment.

I suppose a simple fight or flight kicked in. Being a teenager, i chose to fight. But after many, many fights, the whole thing upset my parents, and so i turned to flight. I avoided confrontation. I may have been alone, but at least i wasn’t upset. (sound familiar?)

Anyway, we left school, i lost my stammer, and Sue and i met, in the personnel department of a bank one monday morning at 9am.

We looked at each other, and we just knew!

I guess there was a teenage attraction, (Sue was so pretty, and i was in much better shape that i am now), but we saw something in our eyes. We saw ourselves in each other.

We began dating immediately, and it was no great surprise that we liked the same things, disliked the same things, Sue was the female version of me, i was the male version of Sue. We truly were like hands in gloves.

At our wedding, the best man said that we were a lovely couple, but that ultimately we were like a two piece jigsaw puzzle, all we needed was each other. I agree totally.

Years later, at an anniversary, a friend toasted that although we didn’t look like each other, (if nothing else, i was 6′, and Sue 5’2″), in every other way we were like twins, but twins that were completely and totally in love with each other.

Often we would just look at each other, smile, nod and say  “Together Forever”, and all was right with the world.

Looking back, i think that both of us had held so much in, afraid to be vulnerable enough to love. Therefore, once we lowered our defences, it was as if the floodgates were opened, and we simply poured love, trust, openness and togetherness into each other. It was good, open, honest and real.

I could go on and on, but hopefully i’ve begun to describe it properly. All we ever needed was each other. We always believed that as long as we had each other, we could do, and get through, anything. Hence, my broken heart, devastation and complete loss.

I truly feel for anyone who has lost someone dear or close to them.

I attach a photo of us after we’d been dating for about a week – together and happy.

Anyway, as always, thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to comment,

take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Yearning…..

Hi everyone i hope this finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. This blog is my weak attempt to cope with how i am feeling. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

A friend, meaning to be kind and well-intentioned, showed me (again) the kubler-ross stages of grief or mourning. You probably know them : denial; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance or ‘DABDA’.

While they may be a neat package in which to describe what’s going on, i have issues with this.

+ i don’t agree with the B , i think it would be better to replace it with Y for yearning. i YEARN for Sue, i am not going through an intellectual process but an emotional experience.

++ an extension of the first, DABDA is a ‘head’ response to what is going on in my heart, and therefore doesn’t help at all, i need ‘heart’ assistance.

+++ when i feel in love with Sue, i didn’t think ‘oh yes, this would be a good person to share my life with’ , i just tumbled, no, avalanched, into love with Sue, and she was ALL i wanted.

++++ throughout our life together, all the wonderful things in life were wrapped and shared with that one fantastic person. even the worst and horrible things were reduced and ultimately destroyed by our communal, shared love for each other.

+++++ let me please ask you to do something: stand up and put your weight evenly on both legs, lowering your centre of gravity, and ask someone to give you a shove. After a quck wobble, you should be able to stabilise yourself quite easily. Now stand on one leg, that same shove will make you wobble, overbalance, and if you don’t put down the other leg, you will probably fall over. THAT’S how my life feels right now, weak, feeble, helpless, hopeless.

++++++ it’s so difficult to ‘move on’ when all your happiness is in the past, when the present always gave you so much joy, now you have to search for the slightest light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it always feels like it’s another bloody train of heartache.

OK, that’s it, i apologise for the solemnity and misery of this post, but that’s how it is right now, my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who might be feeling the same way.

Take care of yourselves and each other, please don’t take each other for granted, cherish each moment together, because believe me, it totally sucks when it ain’t there.

Thank for listening, well, reading, blessya,

Steve

 

 

Life may end , but love doesn’t

Did anyone watch the detective series RIVER on BBC last year ?

Starring Stellan Skarsgard and Nicola Walker, it had various plots in it, but the key one for me was the love that Inspector John River had for Sergeant Jackie Stevenson (“Stevie”).

Unfortunately, Stevie had been killed, but an emotionally fragile John River often ‘saw’ her. She would sometimes try to help him by telling him to lighten up, maybe even go dancing. He began to realise that if he ever solved her murder, he risked losing ‘seeing’ her forever.

Now, I loved the series. I like detective stories but the whole thing struck a note with me, because I recently lost my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. I can totally understand what he is going through.

The series is brought to a conclusion in the attached clip. It’s beautifully done. Please give it a play, it’s terrific. As the famous quote says : ” Life may end , but love doesn’t “

Please feel free to like, leave comments etc.

Take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

I knew I loved Sue before I even met her

Hi there, i hope this post finds you well.

My name is Steve, i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. So i am sure that you can imagine how i feel – broken, devastated, lost – and a hundred other miserable and sad words. However, sometimes i am lifted up by something.

Last night, or rather this morning at 3 am, i awoke from a dream.

I was dreaming that my hair was being ruffled. It was Sue. She smiled lovingly at me, then kissed me. Then she softly began to sing :

“Maybe it’s intuition…..”

I replied in song :

“Somethings you just don’t question…..”

Then we joined together :

“Like in your eyes…..”

Then we sang the whole song together and to each other.

This is the happiest i’ve been for a long while. it may not be ‘real’ but i tell you, it’s real enough for me. Especially as yesterday was a bad day, i was so depressed. But in a few moments, and out of nowhere, my heart is singing. And as the song says :

“i know that it might sound more than a little crazy…”   but Sue is still here with me.

 

i hope you have time to give this a play, (skip any ads) and that you have someone to sing it to :

 

Thanks for reading. take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

 

The Greatest Pain……

Hi everyone, i hope this finds you well.

My name is Steve, and i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years, to cancer. This blog is therefore not always happy, but it is my way of trying to cope with the sadness.

My beautiful Susie loved the seaside, and we would often go and simply sit and watch the sun dance on the water.

As I remember that, a famous quote comes to mind :

   The greatest pain is the memory of joy while in the presence of grief

i believe it was said over 2,500 years ago, but it couldn’t be more real to me today.

if you are also feeling the same pain and sadness , then my heart goes out to you.

feel free to like, leave comments, or follow

take care of yourselves and each other

Steve

Be the legend you are meant to be

Hi everyone, i hope this finds you well.

Just to say that my name is Steve and i recently lost Sue, my wonderful wife of 40 years to cancer. Therefore, my blogs are not always happy go lucky cups of glee.

But i do try to stay upbeat if i can. i kinda grasp at any straw if it keeps me going.

Today i sat through a My Little Pony film with my lil princess, my granddaughter. As a 60+ year old man, it wasn’t the greatest film that i’ve ever seen, but this song made me think.

To me, my Sue was, and is, a legend. What i mean by that is this : she did her own thing. Sue didn’t follow other people, or the ways of the world. Do you know what i mean?

Nowadays, comedians don’t rely on being funny. If they are losing their audience, they just throw in a few swear words, a few crude gestures, and hey, they’re back on track.

Songwriters used to talk of love, smiles and togetherness. Now, it’s as many one night stands as possible, (often caused by the pressure of peers, or simply the modern world), or perhaps, a derogatory word here, a disrespectful remark there. Am I making sense?

This simple song says :   ““Be a hero, Be yourself, Be the legend you are MEANT to be””

In other words,

listen to your heart, be true to yourself, be the person that you are supposed to be.

Then you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile, and sleep soundly and well at night.

OK, nuff said, i hope this means something to someone out there, it speaks to me.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve

Absence…

Hi, my name is Steve, i hope this finds you well.

i recently lost Sue, my beautiful wife of 40 years, to cancer. i kinda use this blog as a way to get through how i feel, so my posts are not always cheery and happy-go-lucky. This is one of those times.

Recently, i have used words like heartbroken, sad, miserable, lonely, lost, broken and a hundred more. This morning, 3 a.m., i woke up to find another : ABSENCE.

Sue is absent from my life, my world. i have a Sue-sized cavity in my life that is cavernous.

Have you ever seen a pothole that’s been filled in? It never looks quite the same.

Have you ever filled in a crack in brickwork or plaster? It never looks quite the same.

In the same way, no matter what i try to use to fill that hole that Sue used to fill so easily, so perfectly, i just know that it will never quite happen, my life will never be the same again.

Have you ever seen a perfect wooden dovetail joint? Designed to have complete resistance to separation, it takes something of magnitude to pull it apart.

In the same way, death was the only thing that could have parted Sue and me. And even now, it hasn’t. As has been said before :

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

A heart doesn’t stop loving just because the other person cannot be seen. As far as the heart is concerned, the loved one is simply in the next room, no matter how far away that room is.

That said, there is a massive absence in my heart, in my life. An absence of Sue.

My heart goes out to anyone out there who has felt, or is feeling, that same way about a special someone in their life.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Steve